Accepting the past so I can move into the future

It was a beautiful day in hectic Yogyakarta. I’d been travelling for nearly one month and enjoying disconnecting from reality, which was not so bright and shiny back then… Looking back, that was the year my father died and, in a nutshell, it was not the greatest year of my life. Yet, it was probably that year that made me go through the toughest situations, the hardest decisions and made me go in the direction that I consider the right one for me – if there is such a thing. 

I don’t think there is a formula to overcome or deal with grief, so I had to find my own. After spending some time back and forth between Germany and Portugal, I started feeling uncomfortable. Although spending time with family was important and necessary, at some point I started feeling out of place and overwhelmed. I received information around his death that I felt I should have known beforehand. In the end, I arrived in Portugal one day too late and I will never be able to change it. Many words were left unsaid. That last “I love you”, that last call wishing him all the strength of the world to beat the cancer and that last hug to show him just a tiny bit more how much I loved him. But I have to live with all these unsaid words the best way I can. ‘Acceptance’ got a whole new definition for me… And it had to be a solo discovery.

A few months after his death, I decided to go on a solo trip to South East Asia. The decision came for different reasons. Firstly, the last time I saw him I was not at my best and his words got stuck in my mind for a while; “I’m not sure what’s going on but I just want you to be happy at whatever cost”. Surely, leaving family behind for a while fits ‘whatever cost’. 

Secondly, when life goes wrong, I try to be positive and offset as much as I potentially can. Whilst the “what to do with my life” question remained unanswered, I was at least positively sure that travelling brings me a thrilling feeling, broadens my horizons and helps me put my problems into perspective. 

Thirdly, it was exciting to spend one day without the infamous question and pity-look; “How are you holding up?” Of course, it is always with good intentions but I guess it didn’t fit my grieving process. Lastly, I just wanted to escape from reality and do one of the things I love the most; reconnecting with myself. 

So, I left my problems behind (or at least I thought so) and went with my slightly broken self and my backpack to discover a little bit of the unknown once again. The trip started well in Indonesia. I kicked off the journey in Lombok, then moved to the Komodo Islands to tick another one from the bucket list and also went to Bali for some surf, hiking and partying before heading to Yogyakarta. 

It felt like the hardest yet the best decision I’ve ever made – and it kind of was. I met wonderful people who I still keep in contact with. We shared moments, laughter and the funniest life stories. And I felt alive and interested again. There was no need to talk about how the last months had been rough for me and I was relieved it happened that way. I could slightly disconnect from reality to reconnect with myself. And I felt closer to my best self again. 

My lively happy side came to the surface again. I acknowledge it was a selfish decision but it gave me the perspective I needed and helped me to build myself towards what I am today. A stronger, more independent and assertive woman. 

But coming back to that beautiful day in Yogyakarta… That day brought a reality shock. A few days prior, already in Yogyakarta, I met another solo traveller and we hung out for a couple of days with other travellers. That beautiful day brought indeed some bitter news. We had split our ways and on her way to her next destination, she most likely fainted into a train line and got it by a train. She died, just like that. Once again, reality hit my world. 

Other people who had travelled with her and I went through the process of giving the news to the parents, being part of an Indonesian ceremony to represent her local funeral and… I had to deal with my own ghosts and finally share the not so happy days I had been through recently. 

I had to learn and accept that loss will always be part of life and we still have to put our heads up and be optimistic on our own. Again, on this beautiful and also not so beautiful day, I learnt the real concept of acceptance, life volatility and to aim for happiness with eyes on the future. Over three years later, I keep them as the toughest and most important concepts I have learnt in my life and the ones which most likely best define myself. 

As my father would say, at the end of the day, what matters is feeling good and happy with our lives. Despite the rocks on the way, I stuck to my journey back then and I keep wandering today

By Bruna Miguel

Featured photo by Jessica Papini
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